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I feel so bad about it, but my goddamn ISP keeps giving me the runaround. And to think they were so good before i actually recommended them to people. Hmmph.
Anyway…
So I am stealing a neighour's wifi connection to blog, because it's been too long of a break and I noticed that BP also took a break around the same time, like he always does. I swear to god if he keeps this up I will link to his blog as "my other blog" just to stop the "SM and BP are the same guy" rumors that he seems to like to fuel. Grrrr….
Anyway, now I will be blogging again. Hope you enjoyed the break, I know I didn't. Me without internet is a bad thing. Bastards.
Just let me go read the news first. Been cut off for way too long!
SM
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English
A To-Do List for Canadian Muslims
– Advocate democracy to anyone who will listen. Admit it, you want it. Only a fool would turn it down, and that’s why Iraqi’s want democracy, even in the middle of their current crisis. It never hurts to remind people about democracy. Everywhere I go in the West, I meet people who do not really know what democracy is, or what’s so good about it. Here’s a basic kit. Democracy consists of : (1) The people are governed by representatives who are elected by fair and frequent elections, with the President and/or Prime minister also elected, (2) Written laws which can be changed by elected representatives, (3) A final “Basic Law” (Constitution), on which all other laws are based, and it usually has a “Bill of Rights”, describing the essential rights and freedoms of all citizens, (4) Judges who ensure that the laws are applied fairly, and these judges are appointed or elected, and no politician can fire them, (5) A separation of Religion and Politics, so that neither can interfere with each other.
– It may seem easy to advocate democracy among Muslims, but it’s not. I’m thinking, for example, about the comments sections on the Lebanese website Naharnet.com. There, they seem to think that democracy consists of: (1) democratic elections, and (2) killing anyone they don’t like, whenever they want. To their credit, they do have very heterogeneous opinions, although most are about who should be killed, and why. Alright, I’m exaggerating, but I do find Naharnet.com a useful guide to Middle Eastern thinking.
– Treat women as the equals of men in all things. I mean it. If you were not ready to do this when you came over, re-think your move. Remember all the good things that democracy offers you, and discriminating against women is not democratic. Completely get rid of nijabs, niqabs, hijabs, and all other jabs. Muslim women should never wear any of that stuff, ever. They must wear what they want, where and when they want, except no jabs of any sort, at least for the next 50 years. Then we’ll see. If they must have a head covering, let it be a cowboy hat. If Canadian Muslims do not stop with the jabs, immediately, the rest of us will begin wearing gorilla costumes, all the time, everywhere. The only marriage and divorce laws and customs that are acceptable are Western laws and customs, no exceptions. Arranged marriages: kaput. Doweries: nope. ‘Betrothing’ her at age 12: you’ve got to be kidding. Honour killings: just plain murder. Regulating, stipulating, or controlling who ‘Jasmine’ will marry: not. ‘Jasmine’ will determine who to marry, not you, and if she decides to marry a be-kilted Scotsman, live with it, many Westerners have, and survived. Muslim women will attend college, police academy, or hockey school if they feel like it, and don’t try to stop them (“Ladies and gentlemen, our most valuable player of the evening, Fatima al Douri!”). None of this crap about aborting female fetuses, either.
– Stop calling the people you don’t like “unbelievers”. You know very well that this is a veiled death threat.
– Stop it with the Sharia law already. You’ve got to decide which country you’re going to live in, and stick with that decision. After you’ve decided, live by the laws of your chosen country.
– Stop hating Jews. I know, it’s hard for you, but you have to just give it up. In the first place, hating any ethnic group violates the Bill of Rights of almost every democratic nation, and don’t make a habit of violating your host country’s Bill of Rights. Word gets around, and it makes you unpopular. In the second place, hating Jews is an enormous waste of time and energy, and as a new immigrant you can’t afford to waste time and energy.
– Stop acting like you have a better religion, and that includes thinking about a ‘World Caliphate’. Only Allah knows what he is up to, and don’t pretend that you know. In Canada, if we were going to switch, it would be to Zoroastrianism (fire worship). It really makes a lot of sense for us.
– Stop it with the ‘victim’ stuff, it’s really irritating. You have more economic, social and religious freedoms than anywhere else on Earth, and you can’t move to Mars yet. Stop running around with the ankle-length Kameez and the wool Yamalkah-thing, crying discrimination. Tuck your shirt in, and get a better toque. Remember, in Canada, we are glad to have you. We like variety, because it makes us strong. Also, with so many different ethnic groups, ethnic hatred becomes impractical, because hating just one group seems unfair somehow, and it’s too time consuming to hate them all. Besides, if you did hate them all, you wouldn’t have any friends. Also, Muslims are good for Canada, because most are ambitious, hard workers, friendly, and know how to live in harsh environments. It’s normal, in a way – a little cold, perhaps, but normal. It’s kind of nice to think of a small town in Ontario, with a church at one end, and a Mosque at the other, I like it. Maybe some day they will be side-by-side.
Than you for that completely relevant post about Islam in Canda, DemocracyRules.
Since SM was already on the subject of wifi, I just wanted to take this opportunity to point out how much I dislike those new Egg McMuffins with the maple syrup in the muffin. Shit is gross.
Blech….Egg McMuffins = diarrhea
Seems an appropriate addendum to #1 for those who mistakenly think there are 72 virgins wanting to serve your sorry behind in paradise. (Seems to me that if you don’t good to others here on earth, you will be swimming someplace vewy vewy hot.) Enjoy.
SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22
Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.
Since we’re not on topic anyway, i’d like to rant about the truly beautiful blonde girl in the red dress i met on friday. I hav’nt had such problems talking to a girl without blushing since i was…18 or so. Sometimes life’s good. WHY oh WHY did’nt i get her number?? grrr…..I’ll go back there on friday, maybe there’ll be another chance..
On topic: I used to do that while i was studying in Munich, put my computer (miditower at that time) outside of the window on the fourth floor just to be able to sneak onto the neighbours Wifi…worked fine until one day, when i was at the university, had let the computer outside to download some movie and it started to rain…i ran 1,5 km straight, luckily, my poor computer survived…..
looooooool at Madness…:-p
I’ve missed you Mr. Monkey!!
Is this some kind of competetion on who can make the least relevant and the longest comment? Why wasn’t I told?
Anyway, here’s my contribution, albeit I am not holding my breath:
After smashing the first set of tablets, Moses returns with a second set. “I have good news and bad news,” he announces to the assembled Israelites. “The good news is: I got him down to only ten. The bad news is: ‘No, adultery stays in.”
Glad to see you back, SM. 🙂
Glad to see you are back. Tapping your neighbors Wi-Fi is a minor sin. No biggie.
An engaged couple are killed on their way to their wedding. When they get to the Pearly Gates, they beg St. Peter to allow them to get married. St. Peter goes to ask God but returns with bad news. The answer is no.
Five years later, the same couple return and ask again to be allowed to get married. Again St. Peter asks God and He says no yet again.
Another 5 years pass and the couple returns. Again, St. Petet asks God but this time He say yes. The couple weds in a beautiful ceremony.
About six weeks later, the now-married couple return to St. Peter with bad news. They want a divorce. It seems that being engaged is much better than actual marriage. St. Peter doesn’t know what to do.
St. Peter takes the problem to God. He explodes “It took this long to get a priest up here! How long is it gonna take to get a lawyer???”
Thank you, thank you…I’ll be here all week, folks.
bah,
?????????? I don’t get it.
I have one, I have one. 3 guys enter into a bar, a Brit, a Spainiard and a Japnese. The british guy orders a vodka and takes a sip. The Japanese guy asks “are you going to finish that?”, and the Spainiard runs out of the bar.
harrr harrrrrrrrr
Another one:
Why can’t the chicken cross the road………. because beggars can’t be choosers and blood is thicker than water..
LMAO ….. sometimes I kill me…..
Many more where that came from :-p
I represent your neighbor. He is happy to share his WiFI with you, provided you pay your share. The bill is forthcoming.
Yey! Welcome back!
[…] Egyptian blogger Sand Monkey is not dead.. but is stealing his neighour’s wifi connection to blog! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Amira Al Hussaini […]
My last post had many typos due to my consumption of marijuana and Irish whiskey. In recompense, I shall relate a joke that is both the best AND worst of all time:
Q: How do you keep the neighbor’s kids from playing in your yard?
A: Rape them.
Thank you, I’ll be here ’til the end of my bender.
Tovje is sitting on the bench and reading arab newspaper. His friend goes around, and disgusted he asks:”Tovje, you shlemazl, what is that?”
“You know, in our newspaper, they write that our economy is not going very well, that our numbers are going down, due to interfaith marriages and all that, but here, hey!, here it says, that we control the media, we control the banks and in fact, we rule the world, these are far better.”
DemocracyRules:
Sounds to me like you’re saying “if you choose to live in our country, live as one of us”. Play by our rules.
I’m fine with that. Given a vote in the matter, I’d make it a condition of immigration. And I’d define the rules pretty much as you do.
I just want to point out that these rules have nothing to do with the concept of democracy, and are quite local – parochial, in fact.
For example: “treat women as equals in all things” is very recent. Female emancipation occurred in the first half of the 20th century; ‘equality’ in the second half of that century. I wouldn’t expect a muslim democracy to adopt that paradigm. We’re now attempting to force muslim societies to adopt the type of thinking we arrived at only recently in our own history, as if it were a universal value for all peoples in all times. This is one of the reasons we’re unable to win local hearts and minds.
What happened to you SM? Did your neighbour catch you stealing his wifi?
SM, you pirate you! First smoking hash with your pappy now stealing wifi. Next thing we know you’ll be tearing all the labels off your pillows. What’s the word for that? Haram? or something? I’d get that mixed up with Harem which is probably not haram….
Rock on with your bad self.
TO: dick
Thanks for your comment. Democracy specifies that people will be treated as equals, and that has always meant gender equality. Most democracies (e.g. Canada) resisted until egalitarians rubbed our noses in it. They also forced us to renounce slavery, give Indians the vote, treat ethnic groups fairly, etc. Democracy is an ongoing process, and I do not expect new ME democracies to instantly be “finished”. Furthermore, gender equality will not jump into a Muslim, Hindu, or Sikh head at the airport, but it’s fair to push for adaptation ASAP.
OK, now my turn.
Moses strides down the mountain, carrying three stone tablets, and he says to his people, “I HAVE SPOKEN TO GOD, and I bring you fifteen…CRASH!.. and he drops one… TEN commandments!”