Mahmoud Salem
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Yesterday at 2 am I was awakned by a distant buzzing sound over my head. I hazely realise that this isn't the alarm or the phone or any of those things that make annoying noises that we employ in our lives. This was something different. So I look up…

….and I behold a giant flying cocroach that keeps thumping itself to my ceiling, as if trying to get out that way.

So I get up slowly, and I reach for my newest vanity purchase: The Rechargeable Mosquitto Hitting Pat!


This thing is basically an electric mosquitto swatter, in the shape of a tennis racket, and when turned on, you could use it to electrecute any thing that is bugging you, whether Insect or drunk obnoxious guests. And the best part is the way you charge it: you can plug it into an electrical outlet using its electric plug.


It's very economical and has reduced the time I spend Mosquito swatting by 80%. So, for someone as lazy as me, that's fantastic!  However, it was never tested on other insects before, and this was one giant roach. So I didn't know what to expect exactly. Regardless, I decided it was time to execute the nefarious bug. So dressed in only my boxers, and armed with my "Rechargeable Mosquitto Hitting Pat" (RMHP for short), I screamed "Spartaaaaaaaa" and went into an epic battle!

It was a pretty funny sight!

Anyway, once the battle started, I realized one thing: The dose it takes to kill a mosquito isn't enough to kill the flying roach. I hit it with it, and it zaps, falls down for a second, then picks itself up again. This thing is resilient. So, eventually I had to await my strategic moment, use the pat to stick the roach to the wall and then zap it repeatedly until it finally did its last buzzing sound andfell to the floor, dead. A moment of silence passed, as I acknowledged what just took place: The Little thing fought bravely, but in the end it was bested by me. I stood up in exhaltation, raised my RMHP high, and declared myself victorious. I RULE!

After deciding that, I realized two important things: 1) I need to find a way to close that stuck bathroom window, because it keeps bringing in mosquittos and now a flying Roach, which is pretty annoying, and 2) It was 2 am and I was wide awake. The Battle has wiped away my sleep. It took me 4 more houres to finally fall to sleep, which was stupid since I had to wake up in 2 more houres anyway. But victorious and tired, I went to sleep immedietly.

Later on that day, My friend M. passed by my house to chill and hang out. While we are talking, something came flying inside the living room. M. freaked out and jumped on the couch, and then off the couch and out of the living room, while I stood there looking at the thing, trying to figure out what it was. And lo and behold, it was another flying Roach, similar to the first one but smaller and bolder. I quickly relaized that it must be the wife of the dead Roach, and like the dear wife she is, she came to take revenge on those who killed her husbend. Just like Jaws 2. This time, it was personal!

Recognizing what I am up against, I ran to my bedroom and grabbed my "RMHP" and faced the flying menace in the dinning room, and this time, I knew what needed to be done. In a movement worthy of a Jedi Master, with one stroke I pushed the Roach into the wall, and then zapped it until it joined its hubby in Roach Heaven. And then, very cool-ly, I held the Roach on the RMHP and opened the apartment door, and with one swing threw the thing out. And I  turned around, and saw M. watching me in awe with her big eyes and she said one thing:

" I've got to get me one of these!" 

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18 thoughts on “Roach

  1. At my “Leave a Replly” screen there are two Ads by Goooooogle….one for Cockroach Control and another for The Bug Zapper $14.95–“Looks like a tennis racket”. I was so entertained by your writing. And goooooogle ads is already in on the action.

  2. 1) Technology rules!
    2) Winning is good. Winning with panache is better.
    3) Winning in front of a woman is even better.
    4) Just like Einstein said, you (the second roach) cannot solve a problem using the same thinking that got you into the problem.
    5) Just buy a window screen, will ya?
    6) Jaws 2 was a crappy movie.

  3. Posts like these are precisely what keep me coming back to your blog!

    Who the hell else can write a post (and a fairly long one at that) about their experience with a flying cockaroach?? Hilarious. And roaches fly these days? News to me and a scary thought.

    Sandmonkey, you truly are a warrior in the mold of a Spartan! I’m so proud of how you were able to take down that mighty cockaroach. Very impressive.

    Oh, and ‘300’ was definitely one of the best movies I’ve seen in a loooong time. Totally loved it.

  4. Absolutely hilarious! And with pictures! I think you should get ads fees.
    Can you use it also to play ping-pong? Does it make the ball spark? That would be great.

  5. Sandmonkey, no idea what does it, no need to know either, it’s just great you can make a person laugh out loud sitting in front of a dumb computer screen!

    I remember killing a giant cockroach once myself (4 or 5 cm w/o the antenna’s), and eh … though it wasn’t a flying one, it wasn’t easy.

    With pictures, yes, but hey, where’s the roach? I mean, a fisherman also shows off with the size of the fish he caught. I’m sure you photographed it, am I right?

    OT – Thanks a lot for linking to Lisa from On the face, from where I got to Nizo’s blog (and to Balashon) – blogosphere is so fascinating!

  6. Sandmonkey, no idea what does it, no need to know either, it’s just great you can make a person laugh out loud sitting in front of a dumb computer screen!

    I remember killing a giant cockroach once myself (4 or 5 cm w/o the antenna’s), and eh … though it wasn’t a flying one, it wasn’t easy.

    With pictures, yes, but hey, where’s the roach? I mean, a fisherman also shows off with the size of the fish he caught. I’m sure you photographed it, am I right?

  7. Have to have one, the flying pest zapinator!!

    Egypeter, yes, all roaches fly. Most only in dire circumstance but fly they do. Here in Texas we’ve got the giant Palmetto (sp?) bugs. Huge ass roaches 1 1/2″ to 2″ long. Their modus operandi is to jump (fly) from a tree overhead and land on you to hitch a ride inside where all the goodies are. I think you need one of those containment guns fron Ghostbusters to kill them!

  8. Ah yes, SM has found the impeccable beauty of the electrified fly swatter. I myself blogged about a battle with a fly with mine…whom I named Mary. She’s a bitch and insects should not mess with her!

    The Anti-Christ was always a clone host, as were all industrialists, and the coming Biblical battle of good and evil will be scripted and fake as well, and likely only be telepathic theater at that.

    This is how the gods manage clone hosting::::
    Gangsters of the 20s and 30s were too evil to reward them with the sucess seen in corporate America, so the gods took them out and put people into those clone hosts whom were not evil. The gods rotate based on goals, so it is possible they were rotated throuh when corporate was so wicked in the 1980s.
    There is a BIG difference between preditory corporate/media and decent corporate:::::Media items as I list below were used to prey on people, so the gods UTILIZE evil in the context of these clone hosts. These same people would be prohibited from working “quiet time” in corporate because they dont have the favor necessary to NOT incurr evil.
    There are two “temples” at work here::::Good and evil.
    The gods focus on their evil temples, corporate, media and associated temptations.
    They don’t even WANT people LOOKING at the good temples and seek to minimize their presence amist the “noise”:::::Their temptations attempt to bury the religious life necessary for decency.

    The gods place people with variable morality within clone hosts according to what goals they want accomplished.
    They are, in effect, “temps” (a clue).
    Expect my desire to kill these “temps” who have crossed me to be unrealized symbolism the gods could have used to enhance this theater, if I was willing.
    Expect they dropped many of these clues, created many of these enhancements for the Situation::::::There was a good Jesus who taught before age 30. The switch was made, just as with Mohammed, except the Bible only represents the evil Jesus. Good Jesus’s real teachings lie elsewhere, perhaps under a different name, perhaps DELETED forever.
    The difference is Earth is Planet Reverse Positioning and Christianity is evil. Consistant with this posiotioning the gods may want to send this clue by switching me and having the clone host assume some traditional bullshit Christian teachings.
    Remember::::If Christianity is evil then maybe the (real) Anti-Christ is the good one. The gods may want to mix things up like this.

    Story on the Dynasty that Won Only in Crisis.
    “You don’t get anything. Eveything happens around you.”
    They said this Sutituation’s theme was reflected in Forrest Gump. Other elements of the Situation were justified with a marriage between good and evil::::
    Mondavi chardonnay reserve – Sideways
    Grand Cayman banking – Finding Nemo
    Chevron mascots – Cars
    Japs – Ultraman’s Iron Man
    This is a long, long list. Friday we add another half-billion to the total.
    Just as we saw with Cars, when some cronie from Hollywood claimed credit when Cars was quite obviously a Chevron inspiration, so did I see some old man claim credit for Iron Man.
    The Japs aren’t John Rockafeller. The Japs are about the offensive, as their products will attest, and providing this “protection” as they did for Chevron shows inferior judgement of the gods yet again.
    The gods willl offer clues suggesting my involvement, tying me to the event for the disfavored’s understanding, ensuring the connection is made without actually admitting it OR compensating me.
    I was talking about Sideways a lot and I sguess they decided to (finally) allow the Mondavi death to send this clue. Expect similar clues showing I am the element of good they used to justify Sex in The City.
    Here comes another $500,000,000.
    Just as they sent an important clue with Boss so too is this is a clue::::::Abandon any preconceptions of entitlement.

    Sex in the City isn’t the Beatles but this concept was specifically designed to be preditory on women who, as they aged, were candidates for exclusion because of their promiscuity:::::
    I believe there are opportunities that exist for females that do no exist for males. I don’t mean to paint with a broad brush but women’s “sexual peak” may represent the transistion to “sociological males” and their “fall from grace”. Considering today’s promiscuity I question the extent to which this is currently applicable.
    This was the purpose of this event originally::::To promote sexual promiscuity among impressionable disfavored women.
    Admittedly, this is a done deal. Their fans likely own seasons, and the damage from the movie will only serve to revisit the established destruction.
    Nothing compared to the Beatles in terms of popular culturue destruciton to the most favoredd gender.
    We don’t need to witness the British Invasion to see the evil of the English either. The gods drop many clues, associating English accents with evil.frequently.
    Mark my words their “creative banking” is the element of evil the gods used as justification for the creation of Finding Nemo.

  10. Iv come up 2 Google to know if cockroaches take their revenge especially while u r sleeping.

    this may sound funny 2 u bt iv experienced it, nt thrice!!!

    wen its too hot, many cockroaches crawl to my house to find some refuge. so i killed them all. Coz they r soo dirty!! i thought z story is over…bt nops! z next night while i was fast asleep, sth bite my middle finger. wen i got up, i saw blood! wen i looked at my pillow, i found a cockroach looking at me fearlessly.

    this happened on 3 occasions…till i realised dat COCKROACHES DO TAKE THEIR REVENGE!


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