Mahmoud Salem
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Read Time:3 Minute, 18 Second

* Me, my dad, my cousin Y. and my aunt at a Family dinner today*

Dad: So how are the wedding preperations?

Aunt: All is going well, the dress fitting is tommorow, after which we are meeting the wedding planner to  yadayada blah blah dodododododo (apologies for not being able to transcribe all the important and riveting details in that conversation. My ADD kicks in whenever I hear the words "wedding planner".) 

Y.: Sam, so what do you think?

Sam: Huh..about what?

Y.: He didn't hear a word we said. You should pay attention. It's only you and T. now who are not yet married.

Sam: (fake enthusiasm)Thanks for reminding me! I will get right on that. Cause god forbid people stay single.

Aunt: What's his problem?

Dad: From what I know, one of his bestfriends got married 2 months ago, the other is getting married in a few months, 2 of his ex's just got engaged and one he actually was very deeply in love with is about to give birth in 2 weeks.

Sam: Thanks for sharing that dad. Also, for those who are keeping count, 4 of my friends who got married in the past 2 years are now divorced, 2 within the first 2 months of marriage. Gives you a lot to look forward to, huh Y.?

Y.: That won't happen to O. and me. We are in love.

Sam: I am not saying it will. I just got 2 words for you for the first 2 years of marriage though, and consider it a brotherly advice from me to you: Birth Control!

Aunt gives me looks of death 

Dad: Sam, simmer down. 

Y.: Don't worry. We don;t plan to have kids early anyway.

Sam: That's smart. Have you two got tested yet?

Y.: For what? Fertility?

Sam: STD's.

Dad: SAM!

Y.: Why would we get tested for that. I am sure he is clean.

Sam: Oh, I am sure he is. Didn't he spend 2 years of his college in the US?

Y.: Yeah..why?

Sam: Nevermind.

Y.: Anyway, you better come this Friday, or I will be very mad at you.

Sam: What's this Friday?

My Dad and my Aunt together: The WEDDING!

Sam: Oh yeah, sure thing.

Y.: I am serious. You evaded the last 2 weddings. I've noticed. You better come to mine!

Sam: Ok, Ok! Will there be a Belly dancer?

Y.: No!

Sam: Okay, open bar?

Y.: Of Course not!

Sam: What, no drinks of any kind?

Aunt: God Forbid!

Sam: Then what am I supposed to do there?

Y.: Well, be happy for me!

Sam: For 4 houres? Without alcohol? Are you kidding me?

Dad: You can always smoke some hash before it.

Sam: Thanks dad!

Aunt: A. How dare you suggest this? See, this is why he is the way he is. You encourage him.

Dad: What? I smoked some the day of your wedding too.

Aunt: What????

Dad: And if I recall correctly, your Husband, god rest his soul, smoked with me that night too.

Sam: Oh Boy! 

Aunt: How? What? How could you sully..How DARE YOU?

Sam: Okay, I rememberd I had this appointment with someone.Soo…yeah… See you guys later. 

Dad: You are bailing on me? Now? Look what you got me into!

Sam: Don't blame me, man. That was all you. 

Aunt: K. never smoked hash.He was a saint. Shame on you A. Sullying the reputation of a dead man. And you know what Sam, you better not come to the wedding high on hash!

Sam:What about other drugs? Is coke Kosher? Extacy ok?

Aunt and Y. together:NO!

Sam: My sense of Humor is wasted on y'all. 

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15 thoughts on “Conversation: Me, grouchy?

  1. SM

    Please, SM, have a pity on my poor keyboard, splattered by coffee.It state is your fault for writing such a hilarious stuff.

  2. Thanks for the giggles SM. Take an extra puff for me and have fun at the wedding just to spite it all….

    Oh, and congrats on the 129 comments on your “Chavez” posting. That’s super great to get such involvement from your readers.

  3. SM!

    That’s amazing. no alcohol. no fun. no nothing. Now I understand the population growth in Muslim countries, they are just bored 🙂


  4. SM, I thought that the Umma were supposed to be different from us heathens in the US. The transcript sounds like a typical family get together here.

  5. I hate weddings too. If they are Algerian, they are long, boring and loud. If they are American they are long, boring, musically uninspired, and drunken. But that’s life, it’s like funderals. I can’t stand either. They always feel the same, same clothes, except you’re sad at one and happy at the other.

    Now my sister is getting married. Put on the suit and smile. 🙂

  6. hahaha next time i go to an obnoxious egyptian wedding i shall tihink of this post and smile . unfortunately i can neither drink or smoke hash cos ill probably totter on my high heels and fall flat on my face

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